


i'm good, i'm gone

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-01 14:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12706956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: Here's the thing: a lie, a good one, a really good, always starts with the truth.Or simply put, that time Jessica and Taeyeon put their messy relationship on the Internet. Without a soundtrack.





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooooooooo. 
> 
> There's a lot of notes, but I'm going to try to avoid being verbose until the way end because this is going to be three, possibly four parts at the max. I've always wanted to do this trope, so of course, in the spirit of my love of it, here I am. 
> 
> _i'm good, i'm gone_ is the title of one of my favorite Lykke Li songs that sort of solidified this into happening and if people are interested (I've been asked before), I'll post the music that I listen to while I'm writing this at the end as well. Plus, as always, thanks to K for literally being the best sounding board ever, an even better friend, and sharing my love for all things nutty. You're the best!

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's the thing: a lie, a good one, a _really_ good, always starts with the truth. 

The article still surprises her. The bold-faced headline reads FORMER GIRLS GENERATION MEMBER AND GIRLS GENERATION LEADER MARRIED? like a bad cough, the necessary part, the important part, following more like an afterthought and a poorly executed plan. It sits on an open tab on her computer screen and then next to it, the contract. Waiting. The email even reads _for your approval_.

Jessica stares. "So... you're serious," she says.

Her lawyers share a look between the two of them. No one brought coffee. She is painfully aware that there isn't a smart distraction either.

"I think," her first lawyer starts. The second elbows him. "I think," he repeats, "you should consider the contract. It makes for a seamless transition out of the company; instead of essentially suffering through a year of silence, you get to reasonably promote and it's positive speculation."

"Whatever that means," she says dryly. Jessica rubs her eyes. "You do know this is crazy?"

"I still think you should consider this."

The contract stares at her. It's a small stack of papers, ironic considering the bulk of paperwork that has essentially been thrown her direction. Her brain is spinning, mostly from the decision, more so that she way too aware of what is about to start heading her way. Ultimately, she is terrified and she's the only person that knows in this room.

"I want to meet with Taeyeon." The words stumble out of her mouth. "Before I agree to this completely insane thing."

"But you'll consider it," a lawyer says.

Jessica scoffs. Rolls her eyes too. "I think you're forgetting that I'm the one that this affects, like, _actually_ affects." She pushes the contract forward, glaring. "I'll meet with Taeyeon. And I'm definitely not promising anything."

For an elaborate plan, Jessica feels like everyone is panicking. Around her. It's a surreal feeling, something that she has very little control of. That she's becoming more and more aware that she has very little control over. Between the lawyers, all the way to the girls; their last meeting together is still pretty painful to think about and the unanswered text messages that sit on her phone are even worse. It begins and ends somewhere, she thinks. It's not the greatest reassurance, but it's there.

At least, this is what she tells herself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They agree to neutral territory -

and by neutral territory, the little market by their first dorm is probably the _worst_ idea for both of them, mostly due to the fact that Taeyeon reminisces too hard and Jessica is just straight impatience; it probably makes them more aggravating towards each other and these last couple years, it's definitely gotten under Jessica's skin that Taeyeon remains, if anything, forever stuck within herself. It's going to have to work today though.

"You're late," she greets Taeyeon, quietly, from her small, dinky table in the corner. The market still has the same makeshift restaurant they all used to come together; the stew literally got her through her entire duration of being a trainee. Jessica still meets Taeyeon's gaze. Raises an eyebrow at the hood over her head. "It's three in the morning," she says too. "Who are you hiding from?"

"You," Taeyeon says. Or quips. The corners of her mouth drop and she sits in the chair across from Jessica. "Did you pick this place?"

Jessica shrugs. "It was the first place I could think of that we wouldn't be bothered... and that you would agreed to come to. If only," she says dryly, "for the food."

"True." Taeyeon picks up the drink next to her. "Is this -"

"Not poisoned." 

Taeyeon puts the soda down. Her fingers push it forward.

Neither of them address the fact that they were sitting in similar positions, weeks ago, that there is a paparazzi shot of her running from the company building, or that the fan meeting in China seemed nothing more than strategic, surprising, and misplaced. Jessica told Soojung _i'm not going to do it this way_ , mostly because there is a lot attached to all of these feelings, some that she is nowhere near equipped to handle.

Instead, she swallows. “Did they talk to you?”

“You didn’t.”

“Oh okay,” Jessica shoots back. Her temper flares again. “Let’s get it all out so that we can be adults about this.” She eyes Taeyeon, watching her shift uncomfortably. “You agreed to come,” Jessica says slowly, “which means you’re considering this crazy, actually, _absolutely_ insane idea. That is going to affect both of us, I might add. At the same time.”

“No.” The reply is immediate. Taeyeon places her gaze off to the side. “I’m not here for that,” she replies. “But you are... for your sister.”

There is truth to that. Jessica has never not been honest where she stands when it comes to her sister and with this decision, it sends everything awry. It’s terrifying how one decision can carry that much wait; no one asked about that though. Jessica swallows and looks away too. Just Taeyeon.

“I’m not,” she murmurs. Rubs her eyes and sighs. “Doesn’t mean that it’s in the back of my mind,” she admits, “but the whole thing... it’s just not right.”

Taeyeon pushes something across the table. Jessica looks down. It’s a small, black velvet box. It’s an attempt to be inconspicuous, but fails miserably.

“That’s -“ Her eyes are wide, but she can't finish.

“I️ know.” Taeyeon is quick to reply. “I️ _know_.”

Jessica stares. “They gave it to you.”

“Yes.” There’s a pause; everything is messy, but neither of them address the simple facts: a lot of time has been put into this. Taeyeon tries to be resolute. “I️n China," she adds. "Pulled me aside and everything... I plan on giving this back.”

“Good,” Jessica mutters. But she can’t help herself. She reaches forward and touches the small box, then jerks her fingers back as if it burns. “I️ can’t believe -“ she starts, then stops and meets Taeyeon’s gaze. “Why is this here,” she asks, or states, isn’t really sure what her reply should be. She’s curious before realizing it, the box opening with a snap right between her fingers.

The ring is beautiful. It's not a surprise; it's just unexpected, the sharp cut of the diamond, the simple setting, classic but not overbearing.

"It's very plain," she lies. Swallows. Jessica ignores the sound that comes from the back of her throat, grabbing her water.

"It's not what I would pick." Taeyeon finally reaches for her soda too.

Jessica's gaze is sharp. "What would you pick?"

A tight smile forms on Taeyeon's mouth. "It doesn't matter what I would pick," she says.

She's right, Jessica thinks. But that's all she allows herself to think. She shoves her phone into her bag. Straightens her jacket. It ends here, she decides. It may be a burst of anger. Or everything else that's been unleashed with her decision. She's barely begun to deal with that too. This is the best she can do and with a tight smile, resolute, she opens her mouth.

Taeyeon beats her. "You're still leaving." It's not a question; just a fact.

"See you around," Jessica manages, and there are tears crawling into her eyes, singeing the back of her throat. Her fingers straighten over her bag and she throws on her sunglasses. Everything is bright and painful, and in that small, dinky restaurant, she is way too aware of the weight of everything that she's done, that is coming too. This won't matter in a few days, she thinks. Trembles a little. Small reassurances, you know.

But the photo breaks later that night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Her lawyer is not the first to call her.

Jessica wakes to something like fifty-three missed text, even more phone calls, and her sister standing over her bed, phone in hand, alternating between hissing and choking with surprised. She's only half-asleep when she finds the time to scroll through articles, new clips, and everything else in between. The photo itself is simple: Jessica, one end, Taeyeon, the other end, the ring in between them, clear, circled in print even, and about a billion captions to help with the rising speculation.

It's a blur. And it makes her furious.

"What the _actual_ -" she's snarling, on the phone, with her sister sitting on the edge of her bed as she launches into a serious tirade. First, she talks to her lawyer, then to the lawyer that is negotiating her exit contract, then it feels like she's yelling at anyone who will listen, until Soojung touches her hip and she throws her phone across the room.

It hits the wall and there's a loud snap. Something shatters. Probably the screen. Jessica turns to watch a lamp slide across the desk, going limp against the wall too.

"Taeyeon unnie is here," Soojung murmurs. Her hand hasn't mood. Tears of frustration are gathering in Jessica's throat. "She's been here since you got on the phone. I didn't know what to do..." Soojung trails off, shrugging. "I figured she should probably stay."

Jessica feels her shoulders slump. Her mouth purses together. It thins and she tries to swallow. Her head is spinning and she presses her fingers against her forehead, staring aimlessly.

"I don't know what to say," she says quietly. Her eyes close. "I put us there," she says too. "It's _my_ fault we were there. I should have dealt with this the moment they brought me the idea. I've been so focused on salvaging whatever I can and making sure that I control the follow of information on my side, that of course -"

Her sister grabs her fingers, yanking her hand. "Don't do that." Soojung's expression is dark. "Seriously," she says. "You need to stop going wherever you're going in your brain."

"You know they're going to do _nothing_ ," Jessica insists. Claps a hand over her mouth. Something like a sob wrenches out of her mouth and she cannot do this right now, she thinks. It's a desperate attempt to put herself back together, knowing that Taeyeon is sitting in their living room, that the world's decided to pull at her seams.

But her sister, wiser than she's always let on, shakes her head. She stands and hugs her arm, brushing a kiss into her shoulder. Jessica's head drops against hers and she closes her eyes.

"I'm terrified," she manages. Her voice is ridiculously small. 

Soojung pushes her forward. "Go talk to her."

They share a look; Soojung climbs into her bed, crawling behind the covers and grabs the remote to the television. Neither of them mention her phone or the lamp that is about to fall. Jessica smiles weakly, pulling her sweater tightly around herself before entering the room.

She expects nothing, but Taeyeon is sitting on the edge of her couch, staring blankly at the walls. There are dark circles under her eyes. When Jessica clears her throat, she turns to look at her, her mouth set into a grim line and her hands wringing nervously.

"Your sister almost killed me at the door." There is no humor in her voice. Her mouth shifts only briefly. "She should have," Taeyeon mutters. "Because then this would have been over."

Jessica leans against the wall, staring. "The company still hasn't come out with a statement."

"There's a picture."

"I have two eyes, _thanks_."

"What do you want me to say?" Taeyeon asks, her voice equally tight. "I can fix this? Let me burn down the company and whatever else I can think of."

"That's a start," Jessica snaps back. Her fingers dig into her arms as they cross over her chest, peeling into the fabric of her sweater. "Especially since whatever insane person that gave you the ring from the company _still_ works there."

"I'm sure Tyler has a statement prepped." It's a low blow from Taeyeon. Jessica blanches and Taeyeon definitely doesn't miss it; her expression panics and she looks away. "Sorry," she mumbles. "I haven't slept since the news broke. We've all been put into some kind of hiding... with everything that is going on and have tight leashes on already scheduled commitments."

Jessica narrows her eyes. "I know how a scandal works." Her voice is quiet and firm. "And no," she adds, "since we're getting all of this out there -" she spits out her own blow, "Tyler isn't involved in the mechanics of any this. We're not together and it's business."

They both stare at each other. The tension in the room is crawling into a steady anger, simmering as Jessica can't stand being far away anymore. She wants to look Taeyeon in the face, mostly for the honesty, _definitely_ for the honesty because this is already as messy and desperate and painful, so why not just go and commit. 

"We can't hide from it."

"From what?" She sits on her coffee table, rubbing her hands over her knees. "The fact that you secretly proposed to me in the middle of my very public, very painful exit from the bulk of -"

"You don't have to go there," Taeyeon cuts her off and leans forward onto her knees, staring at her still. The dark circles under her eyes cut deeper up close and Jessica studies her, looking for signs of something, anything really. "I know you're mad, you know I'm mad, and all of this," she pauses, waving a hand between them, "has nothing to do with what's happening right now. We've got to find a clean, equal way of dealing with this."

Jessica is quiet. Her fingers play against her knees. She's uncomfortable in her own home and that, if anything, is telling of the weight of what is happening. Her head spins a little as she reprocesses the articles that she saw; shot after shot of the same moment, of Taeyeon sliding the ring across the table, of Jessica staring back, eyes wide. She pieces together her own headline: _girls generation's secret romance?_ and behind that, there are feelings that she hasn't touched in a very long time.

She rubs her eyes. "You know the company doesn't deal well with these things," she says.

"So what," Taeyeon groans. Drops back against the couch and mirrors Jessica, dropping her hand over her eyes. "We ride the wave of speculation for a few weeks? Pretend to date, drag _everybody_ into this, and then breakup when it settles? Just like that?"

Taeyeon stops short from laughing. Actually, the laugh comes from Jessica, the sound sharp and cold, her head shaking as her brain goes straight into damage control, processing the entirety of what Taeyeon has actually said to her, to them both. She thinks back to the moment, sitting and staring at the article in front of her, the pitching of the idea that probably started this one. She thinks back to sitting in the restaurant with Taeyeon, pieces together her face and the ring, then turns her gaze back to the Taeyeon in front of her. It doesn't make sense, she tells herself.

But then her mouth moves. And then, out loud, she replies.

"Yes."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last time Jessica saw Hyoyeon, they were brutally honest with each other. It was the nature of their friendship.

"You're leaving," she had said, over a beer, casually and as a matter of fact. There was no judgement in her expression. She lifted her bottle in a toast, half a salute. "Good for you."

"How did you know?" Jessica asked.

Hyoyeon had never answered the question and seemingly wasn't about to start. It was the best part of her and the very worst; Hyoyeon expected you to know the answer yourself. She still stole french fries off Jessica's plate, took a large bite, and shrugged.

"The moment you stopped talking to Taeyeon," she said. "Or both of you to each other," she said too. Neither of them are drunk enough. At least, if Jessica is the one remembering this moment. "I mean, sure," she managed with a shrug, "there are other things too, but universal signs and stuff. That was the moment for me."

Jessica hadn't known what to say to that. Mostly, it was true. A lot of it wasn't. One person would never be responsible for the decisions she made for herself. That was part of this, the largest par

She raised her bottled again. "To the beginning of the end."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They make it to the elevator. Together; that's the deal.

Taeyeon looks impossibly small in her jacket. Tucks her hair into her hat. Her mouth folds into a frown and when the elevator opens, she steps inside first. Jessica follows, of course, because neither of them have made a decision; this feels like shock, which is crazy given that the situation is literally too crazy to be real for them both.

When the door shuts, Taeyeon looks to Jessica. "It's cold outside," she nods at her cardigan. "If you're going to follow me to my car."

Jessica shrugs. "It's the least of my concern."

She's a little more put together. Her cardigan folds into her body and settles kindly at her hip. She's going to regret this, she thinks. Her hands disappear into her sleeves and she wishes had grabbed her glasses instead of the masking hanging off of her ears.

"A few weeks is a long time."

Taeyeon jerks forward with the elevator. Thinks about something and then hits the stop button. Jessica tries to grip the railing but ends up grabbing Taeyeon's arm instead, still as clumsy as ever.

"You're telling me," she replies breathlessly. She looks up at Taeyeon, her knees trembling. "This is insane and we both know it..." There's nothing else to say to that; instead, she finds herself using Taeyeon to steady her feet. "And yet," she laughs bitterly, "here we are, agreeing to navigate this nonsense together."

"It's better for all of us, the group and you."

After years of hearing Taeyeon say this, it still rubs Jessica the wrong way. It makes her impossibly angry and she never likes to make decisions angry, even though she has found herself put into this position too many times these days, lately and when it counts.

Her mouth opens and closes again. She meets Taeyeon's gaze, almost defiantly, as if to prove some unspoken point. Her fingers still dig into the other woman's arm and she jerks forward, invading Taeyeon's space. For the simple point that she knows it bothers her. The air shifts; it feels like the move backfires and she's watching Taeyeon, her heart settling into her throat because the last few years between the two of them have changed.

"What kind of ring would you pick," she hears herself ask, but it falls more like a statement, maybe an accusation too. Jessica leans into her and Taeyeon's other hand drops against her hip. "You never answered the question," she manages. Pressing her lips together.

"It doesn't matter now," Taeyeon murmurs, equally committed to staying close. She takes it a step forward and brushes her fingers against Jessica's face. Her fingers are trembling too. "Right?" she asks, voice low. "It's too late for any of -"

Jessica kills the answer then. Pushes forward. Her mouth lands over Taeyeon's and everything in her is screaming to stop. It's like this though: kissing Taeyeon feels familiar, as if it _should_ be familiar, even though this is the first time. An entire weight sinks in, steadily, and Taeyeon's mouth begins to move back against her own. She kisses Jessica slowly, almost lazily, and Jessica hates that, _hates_ that her body starts to ease into Taeyeon's without question. Her fingers find the nape of her neck too, pulling until Taeyeon opens her mouth and Jessica slides her tongue inside. Someone moans. Makes a sound that is so irresponsible that Jessica pulls herself back, breathless and wide-eyed.

"Push the button," she manages. The elevator is listening to them both breathe; Jessica's stomach is cramped with knots. "Push the _button_ ," she says again.

Taeyeon listens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next picture breaks in a matter of hours, hits the Internet with the headline _girls generation and the secret romance_ , a gleeful account of quiet moments and times where things may have happened, complete with unnamed sources and those stupid, strange fan videos.

Still, there is nothing telling about the photo. Jessica is walking Taeyeon to her car. They hold hands. Taeyeon bows her head, leading; Jessica is tucking her hair behind her ear, her gaze standing defiantly and completely unamused. The world is watching and they look like two people who are just, ironically, trying to live their lives.

There's some truth to that, of course.


	2. 2.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There is a science to a dating scandal. Deny first, deny later._

-

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a science to a dating scandal. 

Deny first, deny _later_. Agency or company denies some time after, mostly when there's a series of photos present, nothing incriminating but extending to a few shots of said couple maybe holding hands or, of course, basically standing next to each other in the same, private space. It's more than just ridiculous; it's hard to bear, borderline humiliating at times. The company's response is usually simple: "We strive to respect the personal lives of all our artists!" which sadly ends up sounding more like a warning shot if anything else.

Jessica hates all of it. She's never been good at this part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Consider this an opportunity," one of her lawyers says, at the end of her third contract negotiation meeting that week. It's exhausting; she's learned way too much about how this is _supposed_ to go, while trying to manage her own frustration with the entirety of the process.

None of this explains how she ends up in front of Taeyeon's house.

She sits in her car. Her gaze is fixed on the steering wheel. There is a car down the street that clearly houses a mess of cameras and reporters, but she's trying not to think about it. Or maybe, she decides, she has very little left in her to care. Next to her, her phone vibrates.

" _What_ ," she breathes, and grabs it, picking up to read Taeyeon's ARE YOU GOING TO COME INSIDE? and almost smiles, trying not to imagine the mirroring frustration edging into the other woman's face. You should go in, she tells herself. Ignores the flutters of knots and nerves in her stomach. This isn't her house; that's another part of the problem.

Ignoring her thoughts, she gets out of her car carefully. She drags her coat closer to her body, bows her head and hides behind her hair; it's almost instinctive, pulling herself into a guarded position as she laces her fingers around the strap of her bag and looks like she's meant to come to Taeyeon's house and not as an afterthought.

She's barely up the steps when Taeyeon opens the door, looks at her, then looks over at her, nodding at the same van that Jessica spotted on her way in. There's a deep frown that greets her.

"They've been there all morning."

Jessica shakes her head. "I figured," she murmurs. Watches Taeyeon step back. She hesitates before following her inside. "Soojungie saw some on her way to the market in another car by our building."

"It's pandora's box," Taeyeon says, but doesn't finish. It's a clear hesitation. Mostly, it's because she's avoiding an assignment of blame.

Taeyeon does turn though. Grabs Jessica's bag without asking and places it gently onto a chair. There are slippers waiting for her, ready by the stairs. Jessica stares at them, then looks up to stare at Taeyeon. Her confusion is unsettling.

"This is weird," she says. Bluntly, even. Her fingers press against her lips. It's very close to a confession too. "I don't know how to handle any of this, actually."

Taeyeon snorts. "I'm trying to be cordial," she replies, and neither of them have yet to address their elevator kiss, or the fact that there's about a thousand different things attached to that as well. "Did you see the article about how we're secretly married?"

"I'm trying not to read anything," Jessica says. Lies, really. Her arms cross over her chest and she steps into Taeyeon's house, looking around. "I'm barely holding myself together," she mutters, but more for herself than anything else. "The Internet reading that I do is confined to online shopping and movie reviews."

Taeyeon shrugs, throwing the velvet box at her hand. She misses. Jessica jumps, wide-eyed. It comes out of nowhere; her fingers scramble to hold onto it as best as she can.

"You should wear it."

Jessica is quiet. She stares at the box.

"If we're going to go through with this," Taeyeon says. Then clarifies. "Since we've created our own Internet conspiracy."

Jessica's fingers curl around the box tightly. There's no question that she's right. She's choosing to ignore Taeyeon's point; there is too much behind it, or it feels like there's too much behind it, but that's more of Jessica's mind, given that there's no straightforward point that she can hold onto, especially with Taeyeon. She can't remember the last time she's had a serious conversation with her, let alone an actual conversation, especially one that wasn't prompted with promotions and schedules.

"How long are your contract meetings going to take?"

Jessica blinks. "I don't know." She's careful. "Can we get food first?"

_A few weeks_ still floats between the two of them. Taeyeon nods, Jessica pockets the ring into her sweater. It feels like it's burning a hole into her pocket with a frightening intensity.

But she follows Taeyeon into the house, past a dark living room and a hallway hiding behind a lit, closed door. They move into the kitchen and Jessica takes a seat at the table, covered in empty baking pans and decorative icing tips. She raises an eyebrow.

"You're not sleeping."

Taeyeon starts digging in a drawer. "That's nothing new." Her voice is sharp. "I can't find my takeout menus."

"I have my phone." Jessica holds it up. Isn't really thinking about picking a place, but searches anyway. "Are you seeing anyone?"

"Do you really care?" Taeyeon keeps her back turned away from her. She sighs loudly. "Sorry," she says, but her voice shifts and says otherwise. "Like I said," she murmurs. "Not sleeping."

Her mouth closes tightly. She presses her fingers into her forehead, rubbing them back against the bridge of her nose. She's suddenly exhausted, and exhausted in a way that feels both heavy and sad, sort of regretful in a devastating, painful way like everything is slowly starting to catch up. She sighs and the sound shakes, presses into her mouth like a swallow, but painful enough to be loud.

"I know you're angry with me," she murmurs finally. Doesn't look at Taeyeon. "I mean, I'm not stupid. I still don't know why we're even getting into this. Or why I'm just coming along..." she trails off, pressing her fingers to the side of her head, "But," she says, "you can't punish me for deciding to move forward, when you're moving forward in exactly your own pace, at your own time, without any apologies. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I didn't decide to do this selfishly, even blindly -" she laughs and her eyes burn a little, even more when she looks up and meets Taeyeon's gaze. "It doesn't matter," Jessica finishes quietly. "Everybody's picked a villain already."

Taeyeon doesn't respond. Jessica doesn't expect her to; the words came out of nowhere. She does pick out a takeout menu, not from a drawer but from somewhere behind her. She hesitates and holds it between them. She tosses it onto the table and Jessica picks it up, studying the pamphlet. Italian, she reads.

"It's on me tonight," Taeyeon finally says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next dinner she has with her sister is carefully planned. It's insanity at its finest; reservations first, where to park, coming in separately because, if anything, Jessica wants her sister to be protected. It's not her fault; everything else is trying to seep into her life and Jessica feels a little desperate trying to keep it together otherwise.

"Is she coming?"

Soojung picks at her salad. The restaurant is dim. In the dark, her sister looks comfortable, the low lighting warming the lines of her face and her concern. Taeyeon is late. If anything, Jessica hopes that she doesn't come. The rumors and the pictures are starting to grate at her nerves, picking out birthday presents that are meant to be for _friends_ for Taeyeon and her parents, of course, have managed from overseas, have forced themselves to say nothing more than a simple, "we trust you!" because that's what parents do.

"Is she coming?" Soojung says again. Stabs her fork through a piece of lettuce. "To dinner," her sister's voice is dry. "Since this is now a thing or whatever?"

There are knives in her younger sister's voice. Jessica studies her expression. Bites her lip. "I'm trying my best," she says.

"Think of _yourself_ ," Soojung pleads. The fork drops next to the plate. "At the very least," she manages. 

"I'm trying to," she argues back. There isn't anything behind the sound of her voice. She feels tired. Grabs her wine and stares into the red. "It's humiliating, you know." She shakes her head. "But I'm trying to. I am."

Her head is filled with the latest meetings, the large, obnoxious bouts she's had with cameras following her, the photos soon after; it's even harder, especially knowing that this is all a means to an end, more so that nothing has been fixed, nor does it show signs of wanting to be fixed, and in the end, Taeyeon is still attached to her a distance away.

"I'm just worried," her sister says quietly.

Jessica looks away. "I know." She finishes her wine.

"You need to worry about yourself." Soojung sighs. Jessica hates the sound; it reminds her that Soojung is equally pressed with changes too within her own group and otherwise. There's a sharpness to her voice though. "I know you're trying," she says too. "I know you're trying really hard, but I think that you need to push yourself for you." Her throat feels a little tight and she watches Soojung reach across the table, her fingers curling around her palm. "It's okay," Soojung says, "if you need a moment."

And in the middle of this, it's the first time that Jessica has heard anyone say this to her. Selfishly, she'd like to cry out, sob irresponsibly, tell every single person that she didn't want to be one part of a whole, that she stood as herself time and time again. But she doesn't. She reaches for her wine, but finds it empty and done.

Taeyeon arrive shortly after; Soojung sets her expression into place. It makes her a little sad that it’s come to this point. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s always been meant to come to this point.

Later, they leave together, Jessica and Taeyeon; their hands, laced together, are a little more leveled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New York is a necessary business trip; when she's back, Taeyeon is in her apartment and Jessica is wearing the ring.

"Are you reading the articles?" Taeyeon asks from her chair, just by the television. They've already ordered dinner. Seemingly, the only thing that they ever do, eat and fight and not talk about that time they angrily made out in the elevator because that definitely happened too.

"No," Jessica replies. She's honest. "Have you talk to the girls?"

"Do you _really_ want to have that conversation?" Taeyeon counters. There's a slight bite in her voice. Then she sighs and reels back. "Yes," she answers after awhile. "I've talked to them."

There's a silence.

Jessica moves from her spot on the couch to busy herself with the bags she hasn't unpacked, stumbling into dragging them into her bedroom. Taeyeon follows. Helps her wordlessly, grabbing a bag from her hand. She is in Seoul for another two weeks, then back to New York for contracts that have nothing to do with what has been happening here. Her fists dig into her clothes, tearing apart the suitcases to bring out everything and putting it back into place.

Taeyeon leans against the wall, watching her. Maybe waiting for her to say something. Her mouth feels dry.

"I don't want to know," Jessica says. Finally. Her mouth tightens. "I don't think I'm ready to know what they have to say."

Taeyeon moves to sit on her bed. She picks up a sweater and holds it between her fingers, looping them through the fabric. Jessica thinks: it's a model. Mine. Wonders what Taeyeon would say to that.

"I won't tell you," Taeyeon replies, maybe gently. Meets her gaze too.

For a while, they stare at her. Jessica thinks it again: this is the most they've talked to each other in years. Maybe not that dramatic, but there's a veil of truth to that too. Jessica stares though, picks on the dark circles under Taeyeon's eyes, feels a little guilty and then doesn't.

Taeyeon steps forward, putting the sweater onto the bed next to Jessica. Her hands fall on either side of her and she's close, close enough to exhale. Jessica realizes that it sounds more like herself. Her lips are dry, heavy even. Taeyeon's weight starts to press into the bed and Jessica lifts her hands, curling them around each of her arms.

"What are we doing?" she asks, and her voice cracks, just slightly, her tongue pressing hard against her teeth. A low whistle escapes her lips. "I mean it," she manages. "What are we doing?"

"I don't know." Taeyeon laughs. Almost wistfully. "I can't remember the last thing I've done for myself, you know. It's always been for the best of all of us. To move forward, together."

"That might have worked when we were kids, you know. Or as trainees even. We all made stupid promises to each other."

"I meant mine." Taeyeon is firm. Jessica cannot look away. "All of them."

"Stop it," Jessica squeezes her arms. "Stop _it_. We're not twelve. And you know that it's impossible to keep promises like that. Are you trying to punish me because I'm making this decision? That I did it first? That you have decided what you wanted for yourself - _yourself_ \- because you're so afraid to do something?"

And maybe, she goes on. Maybe she tells Taeyeon that it's insanely painful to be villainized this way, more so because each and every one of those girls are people who she loves, still loves in a fierce and desperate way. But the only thing that she is aware of is stopping, drawing herself to full height, brushing her mouth against Taeyeon's.

It takes everything in her to still her heart pounding in her throat. She makes a sound and Taeyeon opens her mouth, bent over her with her fingers drawing up against the nape of her neck. Jessica tastes coffee when Taeyeon's tongue press into her mouth. She pulls at Jessica's hair and Jessica tilts her head back, sighing when Taeyeon's mouth moves to her throat. It's everything and nothing; the best way to hold it over their heads, the brewing sense of tension that sharpens her resolve. Somehow they stumble into the bed, tangling into a mess of limbs against Jessica's sheets, clothes, and suitcases. Jessica finds Taeyeon's mouth again, biting at her lip once, then again, only to feel Taeyeon's fingers to slip underneath the hem of her blouse.

"Maybe I am," Taeyeon says, sighs into Jessica's mouth. Her teeth catch the bottom of Jessica's lip. It's not a confession.

Jessica's ring gets caught against the pillow.

It's close enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A lie is dangerous.

Some time, in the middle of this, someone tags her in a clip of Sunny's radio program. It's nothing new, nothing that hasn't been done before or has continued to happen, given that there are about a million fan accounts that tag her in things that sing about her guilt, or how they're all like, "I knew this was going to come! OT8!" which makes her feel guilty and sad and happy and angry all the same.

But when Sunny's radio show shout out airs, then falls into her lap, Jessica will never admit to crying. Or that it's the loneliest she's ever felt.

The only thing she sends? Roses carrying a _thank you_.

It's the best that she can do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next photo:

Taeyeon is walking her favorite bottle of wine into Jessica's building. There's a half-hearted smile, her lips flushed with something strange, mostly unreadable. Krystal usually sends her a screenshot of her favorites; today is that same photo, captioned _good! tyler sucks!_ because that's something that she's never been shy about.

Halfway into that same bottle, Jessica finally asks: "Why do we keep doing this?" and it's for a moment, she laughs at herself, raising her glass to Taeyeon who is sitting at the piano across from her.

"It's like a week more of this," she answers. Shrugs. Starts to press her fingers into the keys. "Or something," Taeyeon adds. "I have no idea. Are you nowhere near your exit contract being started?"

Jessica bites her lip into her glass. If anything, her first response should be, "It's none of your business." Tonight, she's just tired. Tired of this. Tired of hiding in apartments and photos declaring the luxury of being right about _this_ relationship and that. "I don't know," she murmurs. She rubs her eyes. "My work load is getting bigger and bigger," she says. Honestly. "It's stressful and I'm trying to manage the stress."

Taeyeon stops playing. "Is it what you imagined it to be?"

"And what you want me to say to that?" Jessica replies quickly. There's an edge to her voice.

"It's an honest question," Taeyeon says. Doesn't back down. She turns on the piano bench, grabbing her own glass wine. "Since we're on our way to marital bliss or whatever." She finishes her wine. "And you've been ready to bite my head off since I got here."

"I don't want to fight."

"It's an honest question," Taeyeon repeats. Her expression changes into something unreadable and she stands, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of Jessica's legs. "I mean, I want to ask about a billion questions right now, but it seems like you need someone to talk to."

Jessica laughs. It breathes a little into her stomach, resetting knots that she can't really avoid. She stares at Taeyeon, studying her openly. It's a weird feeling: she pictures Taeyeon over her on the bed, her fingers in her hair as they twist together, and there's so much _something_ behind it. She has no idea where to place this with everything else going on.

"When's the last time we've talked to each other?" she asks, finishing her wine now. Her head spins a little. "Like seriously talked to each other?"

Repetition is dangerous. Jessica might not be ready for the answer. Then again, she's always been on the _get it over with_ side. Maybe, she thinks, this will end everything on a solid note. Maybe that's how she's going to push through all of this.

"I mean," Jessica continues. "You and I have made out with more energy than we have used to talk in years. And before you protest and say something stupid like I've always been a good leader blah blah - remember that I respect you more than that, more so than you probably realized."

"You don't even know what you're talking about."

"Don't I?" she presses.

Taeyeon puts her glass down. "At no point," she says, "did you ever let on that you were thinking about leaving me, thinking about leaving and doing your own thing. You always talked about side projects and taking on more, dipping your hands and stuff because you wanted to be well-rounded -"

"I didn't leave you," Jessica murmurs, and the words ring between them finally, Taeyeon's eyes going wide as if she didn't mean to say _me_. Jessica feels her head start to throb. It feels a little like the alcohol. "I didn't leave _you_ ," she says again, louder this time, and the words are much more painful than she expects them to be. Her eyes are watering and she looks away. "I didn't leave you, _any_ of you, and for you to even suggest that -"

Her hand covers her mouth. Maybe it was listening to Sunny's radio confession, weeks and weeks later, maybe it's because there's no end to _we need to fix this contract, Jessica_ or of course, _they're coming back at us with new percentages_ and her stress is building and building, ready to spill over and explode. A harsh sound snaps against her palm and she squeezes her eyes shut.

She hates crying.

It kills her that the tears start, that she's doing this in front of someone that she should trust but instead feels so far away from, panicked and angry with. Another sob happens, then another, and one more before she hears Taeyeon stand and say something. A hand drops on her shoulder.

"No," she says, pushing her hand away. "You don't get to do that."

"I don't want to fight you."

"But you are," Jessica cries out, "you _are_ and we're in this stupid mess because I couldn't make sound decision and all of you blame me for finding something that I might actually really, really love doing with out any guilt or regrets or mistakes that I can make myself and take ownership for. I don't want to smile anymore because I have to. I want to break up with someone and not be blamed for it. I want to have drinks with friends or walk down the stupid street with my sister because it's three in the morning and I want a _donut_."

It feels like she's been holding that in forever and when the word donut slips, Taeyeon chokes on a laugh or a sigh, neither of which have a place in any of this. But that sound becomes and actual laugh and Taeyeon's hands rise to press against her face and maybe she's laughing, maybe she's crying, maybe she's just as crazy as Jessica and laughing and crying.

"We're a mess," Taeyeon mumbles. Draws back and stands again. She stretches her arms back with a watery laugh. "This is a mess and usually, I know what to say or do, but -"

"That's a lie," Jessica murmurs. She makes a face and her head is definitely pounding now. "But," she concedes. "You are the better listener."

It feels like they've come to their second agreement. Stupid, really. Considering how insane the situation still is. But Jessica clings to this strange bit of normal, if only for this one, small moment together.

"When did you put the ring on?"

Jessica closes her eyes. The sound of Taeyeon's voice is warm. "I don't remember," she admits.

After awhile, Taeyeon drops her head on her shoulder. One of them sighs, but Jessica lets her fingers slide into Taeyeon's hair, bringing them through a couple of strands. The motion of her fingers feels familiar. It shouldn't, but it does and selfishly, she lets herself have the moment; there's nothing panicky behind it, or angry, or sad or anything that's put forward when she's kissed Taeyeon or Taeyeon's kissed her back. Instead, it lets her breathe.

Taeyeon leans into her fingers too. "It looks good," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The real secret is that it's dangerous when it starts to feel normal.

The company, privately, says something like DO WHAT YOU WANT. It's not approval; it's about delicate negotiations. That next meeting, she gets a long text from Taeyeon, probably on her way to Japan, for the year's ending tour that she would have been on too.

_miss you_ , it says simply. It could say a million more things, but the two, small words hold way too much power for a quick text.

Jessica does not want to know what means.

It’s like a game; pick the better liar.


	3. 3.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Yaebin is an old friend, a lawyer. A good one._

-

 

 

 

 

 

Yaebin is an old friend, a lawyer. A good one. They went to school together and Yaebin could basically talk her way out of getting murdered. It bodes well for her career wise; neither of them are surprised that this dinner is happening right now either. Mostly, Jessica decides that it's time to either get outside advice, hire someone she can trust, or do both, if anything, because both seem like the right thing to do.

"So," the other woman says. She picks up her glass of wine. "You should probably fire everyone."

Jessica groans, rubbing her eyes. "That's what I've been afraid of." She shakes her head. "It's been overwhelming."

"You have to be overwhelmed later. A three hundred dollar steak dinner isn't going to solve anything either. You need advice, good advice, not stage a PR event that is going to end up making you the villain still. Because," Yaebin sighs, sipping from her wine. "Because that's probably what's going to happen. You become the villain. The company, _they_ become whatever they need to become and still make money off of you. Because that's life."

Jessica slumps into her chair. In an hour, Tyler is due. Business, mostly. He'll try and wrap roses into the visit. Woo her with a boat. A trip to New York, again. Even though they have to go because there are investors and Jessica knows the math; the more investors, the easier it is to buy out Tyler and Tyler's share. She has a rule: business will never mix with pleasure. Ironic, she thinks, considering the mess that everything else has become.

"How are you really?" Yaebin asks. She has a pretty face, long, flushed from the wine. Her eyes are sharp. "Asking for a friend," she teases.

"Tired," Jessica admits. Laughs too. She spots a flash in the window. Sighs and wonders if there's going to be an Internet article that throws out things like Jessica's New Mysterious Woman! and What Will Taeyeon Do! because everyone is really looking for that story.

"That's not an answer."

Jessica swallows her wine. "It's the one that I have," she answers. She sighs softly. "I spend a lot of time worrying. Worrying about my parents. Worrying about my sister. Worrying about the fact that I hate the samples that were supposed to be a certain way, but not. I'm worried because I've worked really hard to connect, to make certain relationships, and the rest of the world is convinced that I am still going to be Girl's Generation's Jessica and no one else. I can't even own my mistakes."

The words are heavy-handed. She's not bitter. They taste bitter. It's a little heartbreaking; lately, she's wondering if this is what kind of person she's starting to become, equal parts terrifying and sad.

Yaebin searches her gaze. "It's not just that though."

"No." Jessica looks away. "It's not."

The rest of it goes unsaid. There's another flash. Wait staff heads across the room; there are definitely cameras outside. Irritation pushes against the back of Jessica's throat. She just wants it done, she thinks. 

Jessica hires Yaebin that night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They spend a lot of time at each other's places.

There are too many Internet comments now. You know, the ones that are equal parts invasive and hard to hear. It's something that goes along the lines of: "it just doesn't seem genuine!" which coincides with the promise of _this is almost over_. It floats between both Jessica and Taeyeon, heavy-handed in a way that's almost suffocating. Too close, too far. Like everything else that's going on.

"Should we get dinner?" Jessica asks. Finally. She slumps into the couch. Sighs for maybe the thirteenth time.

Across from her, Taeyeon is digging into a suitcase. She leaves for an overseas schedule. Her mouth twists. She moves to her nightstand and hands Jessica a key code and a list. 

"Could you watch the dogs," she doesn't ask, and then realizes she's not asking. Taeyeon measures her next comment. Flushes. Rubs the back of her neck too. "I figured it might be nice for you to have another place to go to? Since everybody looks for you in obvious places?"

"Define obvious places," Jessica says dryly. Stares at the slip of paper in her hand. Pretends to find a pattern in the passcode for the door. "Are you sure?" she asks, then stops. Her mouth tightens. "It's your personal space," she adds. "I want to be respectful."

Taeyeon laughs. It feels a little strange. "It's... interesting," she settles on, watching Jessica's expression. "I don't know," Taeyeon mutters. "We're being careful around each other now. And it's weird."

Jessica swallows. Taeyeon doesn't look away.

"Sure, I guess," she says slowly. Her mouth feels a little dry. "I mean, it's more like I'm exhausted. I've spent the last couple months fighting. Fighting the girls. Fighting the company. Fighting my parents, my sister, my fans, people who _don't_ know me... you." She looks up, pointedly even, holding Taeyeon's gaze. Something passes between the two of them. "If I'm honest," she murmurs. "I just want all of this to be over. I want an end."

"It just makes me sad," Taeyeon shrugs. But doesn't continue.

They're at an impasse. Jessica is suddenly very aware of the ring on her finger. Sometimes she forgets she's wearing it. Sometimes finds herself watching it, studying it, wondering if there's really anything behind it. The box is lost, so there's nowhere else to put this, like a bad memory. But then again, there's nothing to it, maybe it could stand like a funny story, you know, one of those awkward ones that you suddenly remember and try to laugh about. The ring on her finger is heavier than that, sharply hits back at the light, blinking back at her with a vengeance.

"Do you want the ring back?" she asks, her voice changing, forcing itself into something lighter. 

Taeyeon smiles a little. "Pretend you lose it." She grabs her suitcase and struggles with the zipper. "And then sell it."

"That's a waste," Jessica scoffs. She extends her fingers out, studying it carefully. "I'd rather make it into something."

"Isn't that obvious?"

Her mouth curls. "Probably," she shrugs and her fingers close into a fist. She tucks it into the sleeve of her sweater. "But sometimes being that obvious is actually really necessary."

Taeyeon shakes her head. Drops onto the couch next to her. The suitcase is leaning against the coffee table now. The bedroom door in the corner is closed, but there's a light peeking out from underneath it.

"I'm sorry," Taeyeon says quietly, maybe means it, maybe doesn't. Her expression is sort of serene and in a weird way, Jessica tries to appreciate her direction of not giving anything away. "I know you probably won't believe me... but I am. I'm sorry we got here."

Jessica swallows. Too little too late, she thinks. Her gaze moves to her fist, hidden by her sleeve. She doesn't feel angry. Maybe more sad than angry. It's exhausting to think about it beyond that. Or want to think about it beyond that. She thinks that it's part of the problem; she's unable to move forward because things keep dragging her backwards or feel like they're trying to drag her backwards. This can't keep happening.

So they're quiet then. She reaches for Taeyeon's hand. Curls her fingers into her palm. Realizes that it's the hand with the ring and feels Taeyeon's fingers press back, almost groping to feel it.

"When are you back?"

"In a week," Taeyeon answers. She clears her throat. "We're going to New York."

"I know," Jessica murmurs. "I remember."

"Sorry."

Jessica shrugs. "It is what it is," she says. She watches Taeyeon curl a hand around her fist finally. "There's nothing more to say."

There's some finality to her words. She says it and is almost taken aback but how they feel. Her lips press together. She swallows back a sigh and a laugh and forgets that she had planned to tell Taeyeon that she had hired a new lawyer, that things might actually go forward now, and the beginning of the end was supposed to happen at some point - here it _is_ , she thinks. But nothing happens and she just sits there, sinking into the couch, watching Taeyeon's fingers trying to pry her hand loose, kind of like a game, waiting to see who gives first. Not _me_ , she thinks. 

Even though, little by little, she already kind of is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First:

Her version of _Catch Me if You Can_ leaks on the Internet. It happens during a board meeting. Nothing important. Just a discussion on the impact of her leaving her group, her company, and everything in between. It's like a funeral; she's never pushed for herself as a person so hard, almost to the point of breaking down. I can do this, she says. I'm _me_ , she says. And in the end, Jessica feels like screaming.

In the middle of this, Taeyeon comes back. Doesn't call. Doesn't connect. And it makes her angry. Maybe irrationally so.

It's still Hyoyeon who calls first.

"You suck." Jessica can't tell if she's drunk, or just angry. She's tempted to check her Instagram to be spiteful, but she listens to Hyoyeon breathe heavily. "Are you okay?" she finally asks. Swallows. "Well, are _you_?"

"What do you think?" Jessica snaps back. She moves to the elevator. Her car is waiting in the parking garage. "I'm psyched."

"You sound like you need to drink," Hyoyeon replies. Almost lazily. There's heat to her voice. "Where are you? I'll meet you."

"Because that's a good idea."

"Don't drink alone."

"Have to these days." Jessica sighs. "It's probably best." Then, she presses her fingers into her face. "Thanks for calling," she manages, and her voice is smaller, much smaller than she wants it to be.

It snaps. Everything, really. She's panicking before she realizes. The elevator is smaller, much smaller than it should be with only her in it. Her brain explodes with a calendar: there's fabric samples, checking in with Soojung, calling her parents, making sure they're okay, avoiding any sort of entrances to commitments and events; a month in Hong Kong, four weeks in the States, three days in Milan, then back to Korea for financial advice, business _and_ personal, plan Fashion week, launch second round of sunglasses, look into real estate, vacation with her sister, pretend to vacation honestly - 

Breathe, she tells herself. Jessica's eyes squeeze shut. Breathe. Her heart is racing. Her palms are flushed against her leg and phone and everything around her feels sticky and hot. It’s not quite the panic attack that she gets occasionally; this is something softer, maybe even more painful, to the point where she feels it in the back of her throat. Breathes, she tells herself again. _Breathe_. She counts backwards in her head. She waits until she feels the elevator jerk to a stop. Hyoyeon is talking and she is barely listening, managing to throw in a couple of agreements and light hums. It takes her another minute to realize that the elevator is open and she might have been standing there aimlessly, staring into space. Her face flushes. She re-grips her bag.

"Hey!" Hyoyeon startles her. "Focus,” she pushes. Then: “We can talk, you know." Her voice is surprisingly gentle too. Leveled even. That same feeling, the one that pushed at her when she had heard Sunny's radio dedication comes back. Loneliness.

"Is it really that easy?"

"Probably not," Hyoyeon answers. Then laughs. "You're the one engaged to Taeyeon - or married, depending on where you go on the Internet. I'm offended though. If you are, I didn't get invited and that’s _bullshit_."

Jessica snorts. "You really think she and I would pull something off like this?" She gets to the car. Opens the door and slides in. Her head drops against the steering wheel. “I’m barely holding myself together.”

"I think you could." Hyoyeon snorts. In the middle of this, the call drops. It startles Jessica a little. There's a buzz at her ear then and the _FaceTime_ ID pops up onto her screen. When Jessica accepts, Hyoyeon's face appears, covered in a beauty mask with a glass of wine in her other hand. "Sorry," she says, but doesn't mean it. "Had to fix my face."

"Lazy." Jessica scoffs, searching her gaze. "And I couldn't pull anything off. Being married to Taeyeon." She groans loudly. "I always seem to lose my mind around her."

"Duh. You're wearing a ring," Hyoyeon points out and squints into the phone, so much so that Jessica rolls her eyes. She lifts her hand, leaning back in her car seat. "It doesn't look like you," Hyoyeon adds.

"Seriously?"

"So you _do_ think it looks like you."

"What does that even mean?" Jessica rubs the back of her neck. "How long have you been drinking?"

Hyoyeon narrows her eyes again. "The two of you are messy," she mutters. She waves her glass of wine at her. "Probably messier than you realize. Which, by the way, is annoying."

Jessica doesn't answer. It's like a million different emotions at once, she thinks. Five minutes ago, it was nervous breakdown territory. This time, she almost laughs. Bites her lip hard enough. Mostly, she doesn't want to give Hyoyeon the satisfaction. But that is nothing new.

They stare at each other. Until one of them breaks and starts to laugh. If you ask Hyoyeon, it's Jessica. If you ask Jessica, it's Hyoyeon. They laugh until they're both hysterical and it's ridiculous, considering the news that broke earlier today and the countering of Girls' Generation is _nothing_ without Jessica versus a round of, "oh my god, they're so much better now!" Each equally painful either way.

"I should go," she says finally, calming. Her breathing evens out and she finally looks at herself on screen. Her mouth feels heavy and she spots the frown lines, her nerves starting to sink into her belly.

"Sure."

Hyoyeon's expression changes. It's not soft; there is warmth. Her mouth thins into a slow, sly line. She takes a sip of her wine, exhaling loudly, almost comically. Then she straightens in her seat.

"You'll be all right," she says, mostly because she knows that Jessica gets her and that it'll make her want to throw her phone into the glass all the same. "Stop being dumb, okay?"

In the end though, none of this should be coming from Hyoyeon. It's not a conversation that belongs to her. No matter how nice it is.

Jessica will never admit to that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ring is beautiful.

It may, no, it _is_ the millionth time that she tells herself that. Never says it out loud though. Instead, Jessica finds herself prone to things like, “It’s a classic!” or shrugging into: “It’s simple and pretty understated!” which is a step away from the truth, but close enough for people to connect with her public personality.

The problem is not that it’s simple, or that it’s a classic setting, or that Taeyeon has basically avoided telling her that she’s had a hand in picking it out. Sometimes, she finds herself pulling an all-nighter, staring at Fall line supplies and vendors and samples that she loves and hates; then, in the corner of her eye, it’s there, the solitary diamond, way too sparkly, but maybe just enough. It’s nothing like she’s imagined herself wearing, something that large and maybe the smaller diamonds clustered around it. It’s clumsy. Which could be why she likes it so much.

Or maybe it’s softer than that, maybe it’s just that it could _be_ from Taeyeon, that Taeyeon imagined something different, just like she is from time to time, and tried to pick pieces of things that she might have liked.

Maybe it’s just that Taeyeon tried.

The heart’s a mess, after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next photo is of Taeyeon standing outside of her building attached to a caption that goes THEY'RE FIGHTING! and it's stupid, so stupid that Soojung texts her to say _i just let her inside?_ with a bunch of emojis that exhausts Jessica. Or tells her that her sister is with her members, somewhere else, away from all the madness.

It takes her awhile to get home. Between meetings, more meetings, meetings with her new legal team and a dinner that she was committed to, the drive home seems nearly impossible. She isn't quite sure if she's ready to see Taeyeon, goes through a range of emotions that terrify and piss her off. But she's home, she's parking, and then somewhere after that, she's taking the elevator to the apartment she shares with her sister, struggling to carry files and samples and whatever's left of her brain.

Then she remembers that she still has Taeyeon's key code.

"You couldn't have just called -" her voice cuts short and Taeyeon is standing in the entrance, surround by a huge arrangement of roses, yellow and white, and it's strange and confusing. It sets in another kind of panic for Jessica and she drops half of her files, a strangled noise escaping her mouth as Taeyeon comes forward to help her.

They are all hands and limbs and she tries to sway her paperwork away from Taeyeon because she's just angry and sees nothing but everything she's literally work for exposed just like that.

"It's okay," Taeyeon insists.

"It's _not_ ," Jessica throws back. "What are you doing here? I assumed we were going to have a fade to black moment and not talk anymore. But here you are."

"Are these your sketches?" 

"Yes." Her voice is quiet. She stands and ignores the roses, dragging her bag into the living room. "It's been a long day," she sort of answers, "and I'm still confused as to why you're here and why I'm talking to you because this nuts and I'm _stressed_ and it's a struggle because I have all these feelings about what's going on and I can't lose my mind. But you're here and it's thrown me off again."

"I wanted to see you." Taeyeon swallows. She leans against the frame of the door. It's the most obvious metaphor for their relationship these last couple years; halfway in, halfway out. "You're still wearing the ring," she says.

Jessica feels her stomach drop into knots. "It's like a scab." She winces a little. "I kind of don't notice sometimes," she lies. Well, it's partially true. It's become the most obvious part of her and it's how she sort of deals with it, in the end. People around her don't sensationalize; they wonder when her back is turned.

"Can we not fight?"

Taeyeon is usually the placid one. She steps forward. Her eyes go from everywhere else to straight, to right on her, to direct and impossibly bright. It catches Jessica completely off guard.

"I just don't want to fight anymore." She moves to her too. Taeyeon squares her shoulders. "We've spent so much time fighting," she sighs. Her fingers squeeze over her shoulder and then drag down to her heart. Jessica watches, almost fascinated. "I just - you know? I've missed a lot because I haven't asked any questions or maybe, selfishly, I didn't want to know. Because I'd be proud of you, you know? And you're happy. Happier than I've seen you in awhile. Because that would be me letting you go and -"

It takes everything in Jessica to not scream. Or throw the stupid vase of rose in the front of the apartment at Taeyeon's head. She stares and stares. Her mouth opens. Then it closes. Her fingers curl into fists, hard fists, hard enough so that her fingers are digging into her palm. Close enough to breaking skin. And unlike her frazzled, logical breakdown that she nearly had with Hyoyeon, this is so different. A million times more painful.

A sound escapes her mouth. Her hand claps over it. Her eyes squeeze shut. Tightly. But she can't block the sound of Taeyeon coming closer to. Or her fingers touching her shoulder. Then her face.

"You can't."

The words hit her mouth abruptly.

"You _can't_ ," she says, and means it, means it because she's crumbling and it's too much to bear. "You can't do this to me. Because everything is still new and fresh and you're here and had this been me and you a year ago, we might have been able to laugh this off. Or gone on an actual date. Like with dinner. And stupid stories. And - I don't know." The tears are next. And a long, terrible sob hits her throat. "I don't want to break in front of you. I don't want you to see this side of me. Do you _understand_?" She hits her chest. "Because with everything going on, _everything_ , all these feelings are happening and I don't know what to do."

Taeyeon stares and her hands, both hands, are on her shoulders, dragging down to her arms. She doesn't answer and slowly, Jessica is aware of the tears that hitting her face. They're cruel. And painful. And she is not this person, she wants to scream. This is not who she is.

"Please," she whispers. “ _Please_.” Her head drops. "I just - I can't do this anymore."

It's then, there, that Taeyeon kisses her. Actually kisses her. With hard slant of her mouth over hers, kissing her sob away, almost swallowing. Her lips are hard and dry and her fingers take a fistful of Jessica's hair. It's nothing like the last couple times. It takes everything from her, from them both and they are stumbling backwards into her couch.

Jessica doesn't know how she falls. It's not soft; the armrest digs into her back and Taeyeon's teeth sinks into her lip. She can taste some kind of wine, beer combination. Maybe something sweeter. There are hundreds of eyes on them, all outside her door, and this, right here, sends everything in Jessica's brain into a spiral. She grabs back at Taeyeon's hair, swinging her fingers through the ends and presses her hips into hers. They kiss until she's ready to burst, half-sobbing into a breath because she doesn't know how to move past that. And maybe, maybe it never will.

"Let me stay," Taeyeon says. Mouth at Jessica's ear. Then her throat. "Just tonight," she says too.

It feels like a promise. Not the one that neither of them need. In the back of her mind, Jessica knows. It's not just her, it's them, and for the first time in awhile, it's really about them.

She pulls back. Her makeup is a mess. Her hand settles on Taeyeon's chest. They're both breathing. Jessica's fingers flex over the buttons on the collar of Taeyeon's shirt. She pulls lightly. Then smiles wistfully. Hates herself for it too. But in the end, her greatest secret, the one that's gone unsaid for years, continues to lord itself over her head.

Jessica can never say no to Taeyeon.

"Sure," she says.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the morning, Taeyeon is gone. As promised. The flowers are the only thing that are left behind, a reminder that she was actually here.

Jessica waits for Soojung to come home. They have breakfast before her sister is off to Japan and she busies herself with cutting down the amount of roses. The news is on in the living room. There's music coming from her phone and a speaker on the coffee table too. She moves some of the yellow roses to the kitchen, the white to the bedroom, then she panics and shoves them into a wine bottle to keep in the bathroom. Takes a picture. Sends it to her sister, kind of like a joke.

When she comes back to living room, she freezes, spotting her face and adjacent photo Taeyeon off in the corner, the day's headlines scrolling by.

"- unnamed sources say the relationship was the biggest embarrassment for the company, a PR decision to save face and stock -"

Minutes later, Yaebin leaves her a voicemail. Almost like a universal confirmation. There's laughter in her voice.

_You're free._


	4. 4.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It begins with a bang. Ends with a whimper. And probably a headache - actually, mostly the headache._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See notes at the end.

-

 

 

 

It begins with a bang. Ends with a whimper. And probably a headache - actually, _mostly_ the headache. It crawls into Jessica's head, eating away at her with a mix of pure, unadulterated concern and anger. She's pissed, you know. Maybe now, more than ever.

"That's it?" She says into the phone. Jessica's voice remains even. Yaebin laughs and a scowl works itself onto Jessica's mouth. "I'm serious," she counters the laugh. "Is it? Because I don't think I can handle more of this. Or a just kidding moment. Or, I don't know... maybe I'm just paranoid now."

"Definitely paranoid," Yaebin answers. "There are just a few, smaller things to wrap up. But your exit year should begin some time next week and you can move onto bigger, better things."

Jessica sighs. "Bigger, better things, huh?"

It feels weird to say. Bigger, better things. _It's over_. Jessica's never believed in mantras, but this one, this one particular, she clings onto almost desperately. It promises a measure of sanity, direction even - moving on promises to be a lot of different things and in the middle of it, there's knowing that her mess with Taeyeon doesn't have to be a mess anymore. Or, at least, she can tell herself.

"Thanks."

Yaebin snorts. "No need."

"I'm serious." She stares into the dark of her apartment. "I needed a way out."

A lot of things go unsaid. Yaebin sighs, but doesn't touch them. Probably for the best. It's not her business; Soojung isn't here and if anything, this part of the conversation would belong to her.

"Keep me on retainer."

Jessica blinks, then scoffs. "You're not kidding," she mutters. Her friend laughs and Jessica presses her fingers into the bridge of her nose. "Thanks," she says again, and then ends it, if anything, for her sanity.

It's a long time before she realizes that she's been sitting at her kitchen counter. Still gripping her phone. Staring into space. She knows full well that she could go and get started, _has_ to get started on travel plans and moving forward. She promised herself. Don't sit still.

But this is hard. This is terrifying. And the repetition of emotions begins to hit again: a slow, painful panic that curls and uncurls in her throat, throwing herself into her belly as knots and needles. A low sound throws itself out of her throat. She claps a hand over her mouth, squeezes her eyes shut, and tries not to acknowledge that she's crying, like actually crying, big, heaving sobs that shudder against her mouth. She doesn't know if she's breaking down. If this is _the_ breakdown. It's a slow burn: falling apart, but not completely falling apart, present, but not completely present. 

This has completely exposed it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will be weeks before anyone reaches out.

Life also goes on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Well." 

Hyoyeon shows up at her door late one night. There's no timeline. Jessica counts photoshoots. Vogue. Elle. Céci. Work is a good way of keeping her mind off of things.

"You came from work," Hyoyeon says too. Invites herself in. She eyes Jessica. Her expression is cautious. "You look like you came from work," she repeats, then shoves a bottle of wine in her head. "And no, I haven't talked to Taeyeon. Before you ask."

Jessica rolls her eyes. "I wasn't going to ask."

"Uh-huh."

It doesn't surprise her that it's Hyoyeon that actually shows up. With alcohol, nonetheless. She watches the other woman move into the kitchen, then leaf through the cabinets, searching for wine glasses until she finds two in the sink. She scrapes away at the excess, then grabs the wine bottle back.

"It's a twist top," she says dryly.

Jessica snorts. Watches Hyoyeon practically rip the bottle cap off. "I see that." It's red; Hyoyeon splashes some onto her counter tops. Doesn't even blink.

"So..." Jessica tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. Grabs a glass of wine without asking, then pulls out one of the kitchen island stools. She stares at Hyoyeon, then sips at her wine. "Were you voted off the island or did you volunteer as tribute to come talk to me?"

Hyoyeon ignores her. "You're okay, right?"

"Great."

"You're the worst liar, you know." Hyoyeon waves a hand around her face. "You get all scrunched up right around here. And crazy-eyed. You definitely get crazy-eyed."

"So you volunteered yourself." Jessica remains unfazed. "For the booze," she guesses.

"Definitely the booze," Hyoyeon agrees. 

They stare at each other. Maybe for way too long. Hyoyeon keeps a critical graze. It's fierce. Pretty overwhelming. Something that Jessica has no energy to avoid. 

For the first time, in awhile, she wonders what Taeyeon has said. Or hasn't said. Probably hasn't said much - they both know that she tends to avoid confrontation within the situation. Between the two of them, whatever happened, whatever they had, writes itself into non-existence. It never happened. It wasn't supposed to happen. Denial at its finest, like everything else that's happened.

"Is she okay?" she asks finally, distantly. The sound of her own voice is nearly unrecognizable. Her wrist flicks and the wine swirls in the glass. "Since we're not going to do this whole talking thing."

Hyoyeon shrugs. "She doesn't talk."

"Of course not."

"You could call her," Hyoyeon says. "Because that's what normal people do. They call each other. They say hi! Hello! How are you? Are you doing okay? I know we've been through a lot of crazy stuff, but like, can we get coffee? Or have a normal conversation -"

Hyoyeon stops. Abruptly. Stares at her. A little wide-eyed. Her jaw slacks and drops. She points at Jessica with her wine glass.

"What's around your neck?"

Immediately, Jessica's hand raises and falls on her throat. Her fingers drag across her skin and down, just across her collarbone, before reaching for the chain that settles around her neck. She won't pretend that the necklace isn't there: a small, thin gold chain that drapes through the ring, _the_ ring, and keeps it close to her. It's exactly that; the ring, the chain, the long, drawn out meaning that she can't even begin to wrap herself around.

"I don't want to talk about it," she answers. Her voice is soft. It cracks a little. "Because if I talk about it, I remember the insanity of this mess. Who wants to remember any of this?"

"Clearly, you like torturing yourself."

Jessica narrows her eyes. "Kind of like how I'm _always_ going to be Girls' Generation's Jessica, you know?"

She's sharp. Hyoyeon flinches. Like actually flinches. Jessica can taste the words at the tip of her tongue. They linger. It might have been way too harsh for her to say. But she's never been in the business of taking things back. She isn't about to start either.

They sit there like this: Jessica staring at Hyoyeon, Hyoyeon staring back, then looking away because neither of them try saying anything else. It's kind of like poetic justice. Jessica sighs. Loudly. Mostly because she can't stand to sit in silence in her own home.

"Is she okay?"

"She asked the same thing about you," Hyoyeon quips.

"Liar." Jessica shakes her head. "She must have been drunk for that to be true. Without a doubt."

"I'm not going to get into this." Hyoyeon sighs and there's flourish behind it, a deep eye roll and a sharp gulp of the rest of her wine. "Because the two of you," she says, "are messy _as fuck_." The cursing surprises her. Always does. "And honestly, wherever your feelings are going to go? None of us have any business getting involved. You know it. I know it. So keep this crap with you and Taeyeon-unnie."

Jessica is quiet. Her fingers wrap around the ring. Tugs it. The chain rests against her throat, nestling over her skin. She stares off to the side, her mouth pursing together. It could be that simple, she thinks. You could just call.

Then again, all of this could have been simple. Everything would have been said with intent - not out of anger, not out of spite, not out of everything bad that lived in between. Jessica picks up her wine glass and finishes the rest of the liquid. Feels it press against her teeth, and then swipes over her tongue and down her throat.

"It's time to let this all go," she finishes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inevitably, they find their way back to each other.

Not because - they spend a lot of time passing each other, circling back around, only to pass each other again. It's like a giant metaphor, but it's also neither here nor there.

In the coming months, Jessica is reminded with flashing colors, with charges of past photos and few articles that read _will girls generation survive_ that she is a step further from falling back. It pieces together some kind of relief for her; it feels selfish and maybe, just maybe a lot harder to swallow.

Taeyeon is the first one to reach out. 

_meet me_ , reads her text. Ten minutes later, there is an address and a restaurant name and she still isn't sure that she's going. Until she gets there.

Expectation is a strange feeling. Jessica finds herself hovering outside of the restaurant. A small cafe. One window. Flowers fading back into neon lights and passing couples. It's romantic, that much she gathers, and she pauses that thought, only to spot Taeyeon watching her back, waiting at a table that directly faces the window she stands in front.

"Awkward," she mutters.

But she moves anyway. Her fingers grip the handle of her purse. She adjusts the collar at her throat with her other hand. She is almost desperately aware of the necklace she wears, the necklace she hasn't taken off, or the ring that lives at the bottom of the chain.

When she steps inside, it seems to slow everything down. Until she finds herself in front of the table and Taeyeon is moving to stand. For whatever reason. Jessica falters though. Holds out her hand and opens her mouth.

"Stop," she says. Purses her lips together. Her throat is dry. "I'll sit," she says. Thinks she should have probably ordered a coffee.

Taeyeon nods.

They are quiet. Jessica takes care to sit. Smoothes out her jacket. Straightens her hair over both of her shoulders. She holds Taeyeon's gaze. Figures if she doesn't, there is nothing that she can really avoid later. Or maybe, maybe she doesn't know how to avoid anymore.

"How are you?" Taeyeon asks quietly. Shuffles her chair forward. Her fingers tap against the table. "Do you... want a coffee?"

"I'm okay."

"Are you?"

Jessica narrows her eyes. "Are _you_?" She counters. It feels like she's reaching for the argument. She draws herself back. Then she sighs. "Sorry," she murmurs. Rubs her eyes. "It's been a long couple of days for me."

"I heard some rumors." There's no mention of music, even though Taeyeon looks like she wants to ask. There's an eagerness to her expression. "I'm starting to see you everywhere," Taeyeon says quickly, almost as if to clarify her direction for the conversation. She pauses. Then: "That's, um, good?"

"Are we really going to do this?"

There is no malice behind her voice. Jessica straightens in her chair. Sits back and picks a corner of the wall to stare at. It catches her breath. Just a little bit.

"I mean," she says. "For me - I just... I need to be able to talk honestly about everything. Or not talk at all."

There's a sense of finality that overwhelms her. She meets Taeyeon's gaze and everything stops. Stills. People, things, the coffee machine grinding at the front of the cafe, the dog outside, the cars that pass - it all becomes white noise. Careful what you say, she warns herself. Like a bad habit. Move forwards, not backwards.

But it's a little more than that too. It feels like an acknowledgment of herself, of her feelings, everything that is on par, that weighs on her as a decision. It writes itself onto how she holds herself together in front of Taeyeon. Smiles a little.

"I think," she starts again. Breathes. The smile tugs at her mouth. "I think I'm in love with you." She looks away from Taeyeon, her fingers curling around the ring at her throat. She rolls it between her thumb and index finger, pressing it into her skin. "And I think that I'm going to be in love with you for a really long time."

"Yah, Jung Sooyeon -"

Jessica holds up her hand. "Just let me say this. Then I'll listen to you." Her voice catches a little; Taeyeon is watching her intently, leaning in to rest her chin. The echo of her name is a strange flavor. "So..."

"Okay," Taeyeon nods.

Her mouth curls. Jessica's. It's almost euphoric. As cheesy as the sensation of falling, falling, falling _faster_. Her heart is already racing. Has been all this time. A steady drum that settles in her ears. One, two. One, two. 

"This is hard," she says quietly. She watches Taeyeon's expression change. It's pure understanding. "I always thought," she continues, "that if I was going to confession - like _really_ confess, nothing out of anger or sadness or anything like that, it would be something that feels like fireworks. My palms would be sweaty. I wouldn't be able to look that person in the eye. I'd laugh nervously. I'd be aware of everything about myself. A hair out of place. A coffee stain on my jacket. My hands suddenly feeling super dry. It feels different."

Jessica stops. Not because she's proving a point. Or even because she wants to. Taking a deep breath and then holding Taeyeon's gaze.

It's an acknowledgment. Taeyeon looks beautiful. It's as simple as this; there is color in her cheeks, the dark circles are gone, and there are smile lines around her mouth, deep, proud, and incredibly present. Her hair frames her face, brightly coloring in flushes of pink against her cheeks. She looks like she's moving forward too. It's not perfect; it's just there.

"But."

Jessica laughs a little. 

"But," she repeats, insistent really. "I can't go there with you. Maybe, had this happened years ago, had we been in a different place with each other, you and I would have gone somewhere with whatever this is." Jessica looks off, away into the window. "Maybe," she adds. "This is the only positive thing that's come out of all of this."

She can see Taeyeon nod, in the reflection of the window, in a mix of lights and couples that are standing outside on the sidewalk too. Her hand covers her mouth. She yawns a little, then leans back into her chair.

"I think that's why I was so angry with you. Still a little angry at you, really - actually, it's more like I'm hurt."

Taeyeon isn't gentle. She's a lot calmer than Jessica expects; each word is pronounced with precision, cut like a melody in a song. They move back to one, two. One, two.

"Being angry with you, holds onto you." Taeyeon sighs, shaking her head. "It's messed up, you know? Me thinking that I could convince you to stay without asking you to stay. All of us being selfish, wanting to support you without actually having to support you."

"Too little, too late," Jessica murmurs.

Taeyeon shrugs. "Doesn't mean I think about it? Or wonder how I can change it. That's the first part anyway," she says. She suddenly doesn't meet Jessica's gaze. Drops her chin. Starts to tap her fingers against the table too. "The rest," she says, and then trails off.

She takes the biggest breath in between. Sighs loudly too. There's no coffee to reach for. Nothing to busy their hands with. Jessica watches still.

"The rest?" she asks then.

Taeyeon shakes her head. "I'm in love with you too."

They are words, just words, words that Jessica expects and doesn't. Everything that happens afterwards counteracts what she thought she was prepared for - yelling, crying, sobbing, _anything_. It feels a little like panic. She waits for it too. Waits for it to hit. Waits for it to sink in _and_ hit. There's no sense of reassurance, only that the words are finally open, that Jessica's words are met with something much simpler by Taeyeon too. An acknowledgement and a confirmation.

"I wish I knew how to move forward with that." Taeyeon leans forward, reaches for her hand and laces their fingers together. It holds them steady. "I know that I can't. Or maybe, it's more like I don't know how to. I wish though I was a little better at saying things. Not hiding. Whatever it is that it feels like I'm doing. I don't mean to. I just -"

"You just?"

Taeyeon laughs. Shrugs too. "I don't know." Her free hand touches her ear. They're both turning red. "I wish I could give you everything. Even the world. All of the world. I don't want to -" She stops, shakes her head. "I wish that I could say all the right things."

Good, Jessica thinks. Good. Her chest tightens and she squeezes the tips of Taeyeon's fingers.

It's a long time before she lets go. Before she reaches for the ring around her neck, tugging gently at the chain. It pulls off at her throat with a snap. The ring drops into her palm and she stares at it now, rolling it over with her thumb.

"So this is it."

She drops the ring against the table. Taeyeon watches her. Jessica's fingers press against the ring now, sliding it across the table. The chain drags behind it, open, dangling into the wood. It stops just in front of Taeyeon's hand, right below her knuckles, and Jessica drags her hand back, all the way into her lap.

"This is it," she repeats.

Taeyeon nods. "I guess so."

The words are simple: _goodbye_. It's poignant to be that sharp. To keep it clean and bare. They both look at each other: Jessica's expression is a little kinder, Taeyeon might be a little shyer, but it's clear that the two of them are going to keep to their sides. Neither of them are going to say the words though.

"So," Jessica sweeps into a quiet smile. There is no one around that seems interested in watching them. Not that she cares anymore.

But what she does do is lean into the table, drop a hand to steady herself as her jacket sweeps and stands in her chair. Her hand awkwardly curls into Taeyeon's own jacket, pulling her close as her mouth drops over hers and she kisses her all the same. Her fingers cup Taeyeon's cheek and seem a little too gentle for the gesture.

It's not a soft kiss. It's firm. Unmoving. It's the simple press of her lips against Taeyeon's, Taeyeon pressing her mouth back, but neither of them make a move to go beyond that. Jessica remembers it this way: Taeyeon has a warm mouth, softer than before, her lips wet, then telling; her mouth makes some sort clicking noise, a smack maybe, as her lips shift into a breath and Taeyeon's fingers curl around the ring and the chain without Jessica noticing.

Taeyeon pulls back first. Taps her knuckles into Jessica's hand. They stare at each other; Jessica lowers her gaze first.

"See you around," Jessica says finally.

A weight pulls back. Right off her shoulders. Her grip relaxes against her fingers and she pushes her palms into the table, drawing back into standing. Her teeth press into her lip. Then she breathes again.

Taeyeon nods finally. Stays seated. "See you around," she agrees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The truth? A truth:

People make assumptions all the time. But life goes on, _has_ to go on because the world is not going to wait for anyone.

Occasionally, she'll get Google alerts for articles, much later, much, much later, that read lines like KPOP'S BIGGEST SCANDALS and she usually covers numbers two or three and their dating/marriage hybrid scandal follows shortly. Because why not?

It's funny now. Better than being mostly sad. Jessica doesn't like to stay sad long. Doesn't understand how to. It's not in her nature. It was never meant to be. She gives interviews about that. Continues to retain Yaebin, drinks heavily with Hyoyeon since that's their thing, listens to Sunny's shows while saying things like, "they'll always be an important part of my life!" and admitting, "it's pretty painful to get older and become a little wiser." Because that will always be the truth.

Also the truth?

Her first album comes and goes. Just like Taeyeon. Hers, though, it's a lot quieter than the latter - a contractual obligation, you know. Part of the package, in the end. But it's her second one, the one that she's really proud off, ultimately, the one that surprises and terrifies her all in the same vein. It means a lot to her.

She's in Hong Kong for promotions. Excited. Nervous too. Fits herself into a dressing room with friends, cameras, and a small staff that she knows how to control. It's a big bouquet that she sees when she walks into her hotel room, not her sister who is dumping their suitcase on the bed, or Amber flashing a grin on Soojung's phone, a witness to the entirety of their escapades. The roses are simple, thornless, and a bright, beautiful red, not white and not a piece offering.

"Oh," she says, curiously enough for Soojung to shrug and ignore them. And curiously enough for Jessica to step forward to study them, spotting a enveloped card displayed in the center.

Everything is fragrant when she finally picks up the card. Her gaze settles around the edges. No name. No signature. Just -

_love you._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(That's the only truth.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun! 
> 
> I needed to angst a lot (lol) and who better to let me suffer through angst, then Taeyeon and Jessica. I really appreciate all the comments I've gotten here and on tumblr and everything in between. I do have to say that I did have a couple of missing scenes, things that definitely didn't make it to final cut, so if there are people interested, in the future, I might post some of those as one-shots or side stories.
> 
> But really, as always, thank you so much for reading!


End file.
